So, I trained again today which is always fun for me. For some odd reason I love teaching people who are wanting to learn. They have to be wanting to learn the subject though because otherwise I feel as though I’m wasting breath. I’m working to figure out the best way to relay the information and have them retain it instead of it going in one ear and out the other especially when they have class time from 8-11 am, shadow training from 11-2 and my class from 2-4 for 5 days straight. So by these days, their brains are overloaded with stuff and they just want to take a break. Its a pretty intense class but its worth it for the job. We even stayed after 4 so I could go over more stuff with the some of them who wanted a more personalized training session and to go over the finite details. It was good for them so I feel good about it.

After that I went to meet my dad, Joe, Chamelle, and a guy named Mitri that I serve on occasion at this cute little place called Yankee Pizzeria. I like to go on Thursday’s because they have a special every Thursday and the chef serves us every time, so we can change things and it makes it very personable and warm. His name is JP Holland. He’s pretty cool. He likes music a lot so he and my dad get along GREAT! The one thing that was missing tonight was the music that my dad and Joe normally share every time they get together. I love that about them. They get together and they just play and play and sound amazing! Anyway, it was fantastic as usual only it was a little better because we had expanded company. Don’t get me wrong! I love it when its just my dad and me but having Joe and Chamelle there was such a treat. After the great food and better company, my dad and I decided to converse about me and my moving dates and how its going to work and whatnot. We then got on the subject of negativity and how it effects everything around you, normally without you even seeing it. Your beliefs control the way you see life. Like lenses. Rose colored glasses, if you will, only the rose tint would be negativity for all intensive purposes.

After our conversation, I get back home and start watching a movie. Now, I love romantic comedies. I know… I’m such a girl! I started watching What Happens in Vegas, which is a great movie to me. Halfway through the movie I find myself connecting to the character named Joy. She’s a control freak about a lot of stuff. I don’t see myself being quite as bad as she is but I wouldn’t rule it out. I see the way she is responding to the character, Jack, and notice that she is expecting him to be someone he is not going to be nor does he want to be that person. He does the same to her. All throughout the movie they are fighting and not getting along but they also aren’t trying to please the other person. They are just being who they are when they aren’t wanting the person to like them. I realized as I was watching this movie that I had been doing this to someone very important to me. I was wanting this person to be my definition of “mature”. We got into a fight (and we’ve had a couple just on this subject alone) and I was pretty much telling him he shouldn’t be that way and to grow up. Of course he didn’t take that too well but I respect him because he didn’t change who he was but he changed how he related to me. I said it didn’t help because that didn’t change what he was doing it was just hiding it from me. That’s pretty much what I had been asking for though without knowing it. Now, Jack and Joy were so opposite it worked. He got her to live life more and not worry about all the small stuff and Joy got him to believe in himself more so they complimented each other very well in those aspects. They annoyed the hell out of each other especially starting out but then they really saw who the other one was and accepted them fully. It was amazing to see that finally. Out of all the times I have watched that movie, this is really the first time I saw that. Its simply astounding what we can see things in and what we can learn and grow from. I’m so thankful and grateful I’ve gotten to see this finally and I know now I have to actually apply the lesson. I can’t simply see it and let it be because I’ll probably slip right back into my judgements and projections and that’s not my goal in life, so practice it is!

This will be the ending for me tonight. I hope you have all enjoyed my day and maybe you can learn from something and also tell me anything you see that I may have missed. I wish you all a great day if that is what you wish to have tomorrow and peace and love.

Namaste

It seems absolutely amazing to me how often life throws curve balls that hit you right across the face and then boomerang to come right back and hit you across the other cheek. Its simply baffling to me just how often this happens. Maybe because I take crash courses in Life 101 or maybe I just don’t wake up as quickly as I need to be to keep up, I’m not sure, but I will tell you, I’m not too much of a fan. I wish I knew ow to describe how things in life felt right now but words don’t come to my mind to be a good way to describe things. Life is good. It really is but man stuff just keeps coming. Hormones, period for 2 weeks straight, people backing out of subletting, training, working a bunch, working on a presentation for work to get certified. It just doesn’t seem to stop, which is fine because no one wants life to get boring.

How does one go about figuring out life?

Let it sink in and please respond with your experience. It’s always good to have more perspectives. Love and peace to all.

Namaste

Anyway, things just seem to keep moving in life.

SIDE NOTE:

When you’re a child, you can’t wait for the next day or week or even year to come and you, let me rephrase, I never even paid attention to the moments of time filled seconds that kept passing me by. Great moments! Fantastic moments! And now they sort of seem lost simply because I didn’t pay them any attention.

Back to the original note. I will be moving to California soon to start a new life in a new place full of ways to grow and learn. I’m hoping to find my apt a new person to reside in it so that I won’t be paying 2 rents nor will I have to break the lease. But life is really good. I’m still working at California Pizza Kitchen. The other interviews I had didn’t pan out for the job stuff. Oh, and that boyfriend that I had is now no longer in my life and neither is my ex.

Me: Oh relationships… Aren’t you just the best way to wake the hell up?

Relationship: Why, yes. Yes I am. Aren’t you a smart cookie!?

Me: Well, thanks. That was encouraging.

(Scene)

Good news on the California thing: I have a job there. I’m simply transferring CPK’s and have already spoken to the GM of the store and he is okaying the transfer.  Another good thing: I will be taking the 33 hour road trip to California with none other than my DAD! I’m really excited about this because we will have the most amazing road trip ever! Perfect father/daughter bonding that could happen. We took a road trip a while back to FL for a family reunion and I couldn’t have asked for more from the road trip part.

So, morals of the story here:

1. If someone knows of anyone looking for a cheap apt in Birmingham, comment below.
2. Relationships WILL do anything and everything in their power to wake you up.
3. Roadtrips with my dad are awesome!

That’s all for tonight. I’ll do what I can to remember to post again at least within the next week if not sooner than that. Peace and goodnight to you all.

Namaste

UPDATE:

1. I work at a little pizza joint called California Pizza Kitchen as a server/host/take-out.

2. My best friend and now ex boyfriend has been sort of removed from my immediate life due to a huge breakup which is still very painful and very difficult. I miss him a ton but can’t stay too focused on the loss because there is someone new in my life.

3. I have a new boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a little over a month now and he is a great guy. He is very into honesty and enjoys holding people to it. He is a huge country boy, which is strange for me, but it’s cute in a weird sort of way. He is a nerd which is always attractive to me. He gives me attention and is normally always there to talk things out with me (unless he is at work of course). He is a momma’s boy, which is slightly annoying but that’s something I need to heal because it shouldn’t be something I have a huge problem with. I’m glad he gets along with his mom. It means he treats her with respect and mostly she gives him respect. Perhaps not the same kind of respect but she does respect him.

4. I have interviewed with 2 different jobs:

A Chevy dealership

State Farm Insurance

Both seem like an upgrade from what I am doing now and they would both offer wonderful training for what I’m really meant to do with my life. Still something I’m working to figure out. I don’t know why this is so difficult for me to pinpoint. It almost seems as though I don’t want to figure it out completely because if I do then I’m stuck. Stuck with what I chose for the rest of my life. Which I know is false but I’m aware that there is a fear like that around my brain somewhere. Also, the one thing I’ve never let go of and worked my butt off since the day I started is self-healing. I’ve come far but not nearly as far as I’d like to have come. I almost feel like I keep hitting a layered brick/cast iron wall. Where I get through one wall and that leads me to another wall to break and then I do and there is another wall. I feel such confusion in life yet I also feel it being so simple. It simply comes down to whether I’m willing to do the work or not.

5. I have a puppy named Amber. She’s an American Staffordshire Terrier mixed with something else. She is adorable. She started as my (now) exes and my puppy. I love her so much and she is so sweet and beautiful. She is a handful though. She’ll be a year old late April. I might post pictures at some point soon. You’ll go crazy if you see her.

Anyway, it’s now 11:03 p.m. where I am and I’m getting sleepy. I will let this be my ending comment. Have and be a blessedly wonderful day and own your life. Own it to the point where no one can tell you what’s not yours. Love yourself and keep peace in your heart and mind.

Namaste

It’s almost like we as people expect other people to get mad at us when we do something they disagree with because we would do the same thing to them. We would attempt to control their lives the way we would want to live them whether its good decisions or bad decisions. My question is why would you want to live someone else’s life if you aren’t even happy with your own. Do you truly want to mess up their life as much as you’ve messed up your own?

Would you really consider yourself their “friend” if all you want to do is control them and keep them from living their life however they want to live it? Why would you call them wrong and you don’t even look at your own life and call yourself wrong? Or is it that you’re too afraid to look at your life so you like to distract yourself with the problems of their life and you truly do care for them you just don’t know how to show it by letting them use their God given right to be free. Or as free as they can possibly be with their beliefs and brain patterns that they haven’t grown out of yet. But if you’re doing something that isn’t working for you why would you expect it to work for them?

Why would you get upset at them for doing something that you yourself did before? If you’ve done it why get mad at someone for doing the same thing? Its human nature to be curious and to do things you haven’t done before. If you don’t you stay stuck and don’t move anywhere. The point, if you want it to be, is to wake up and heal yourself and find true happiness and freedom. That’s my goal anyway.

Also, why would you get mad when someone was doing something for themselves that you’ve said you want them to do for themselves when you know it can and will help them. Especially if it’s for their own sanity and clarity.

I know I’ve done all of these things. Over and over and over again. I’m simply coming to a point where I question why on earth I did those things to people that I said I cared about. Did I really care about them or was I wanting to supplement an addiction? How do you know when you really care about someone? How do you know that they aren’t just fulfilling something in you that you don’t know how to fill on your own? And if you did know that they were just supplementing something you couldn’t or didn’t know how to give yourself, would you do anything about it? Would you continue to live your life in that way? Using people to fulfill you because you couldn’t?

I’ve always thought of myself as a good person, for the most part. I look at myself now and I seem to feel a sense of disgust. I know exactly why someone else would do what they could to stay away from me at almost all costs. Except that I then become their addiction just so I can get my fix. How fucked up can I get? I think its all over and I’ve healed myself of this hideousness and then I look to the left and something even bigger than the thing I just healed is there and then I look slightly to the right and there is something there staring me in the face that would give children bad dreams at night.

I don’t blame anyone for getting and staying away from me. I’m crazy. Just plain insane. Maybe I should’ve stayed in the hospital. I just don’t understand how a human being so be so heartless and uncaring. I am living proof that it exists though.

I feel as though I care about people though. That’s the funny part about it all. I enjoy being around people and I do enjoy helping people. Its sort of what I do for a living and I want to continue to help people for a living only in a very different way than I am now. How on earth can I help someone else though when I’m so messed up myself? I guess its sort of like psychologists getting into the field simply because they’re working to heal themselves by thinking that they want to help other people. Which they probably do want to help other people its just they can’t because they have too much stuff blocking their way to really be able to see anybody else.

I feel like I’m nothing. I’m a big huge pile of nothing working to scramble everything up and glue it all together hoping that it might turn out to be something somewhat presentable to show people on a day to day basis just to get by in this life. Just so I can look as “normal” as possible. Even though that’s about as close to me as “the galaxy far far away”. Actually, the galaxy might be closer.

Goodnight all. Sleep well and have wonderful dreams. I hope this helps someone, someway.

He didn’t deserve that but I asked myself why I did that after he called me out on it. I kept asking myself, and kept asking myself. I had to continue asking myself because I didn’t want to admit it. The only reason I did it was because I didn’t want him to think I was getting over him, even though we don’t seem to be able to work in a relationship, but I continued it because I enjoyed the jealous attention I got from him. It felt like he cared. That is so wrong. No human deserves to be treated like that. Ever! And I treated my “best friend” that way. More things I need to heal.

Okay. So I went to see my mother and her new/old husband tonight. It was fun, but I felt like… I felt like I was a child again sitting in that old house I used to sit in with my mother and her best friend for 20 some odd years. I was showing them some of the songs that I liked seeing how I haven’t seen her in over half a year and I changed a lot, so I let them listen to 3 songs. One dubstep, one D&B and one of Dj Hixxy’s songs. I didn’t even have them listen to the full songs. After they heard part of it, I changed it to the next one. After the third song, my mother says in the nicest most condescending (in my opinion) way possible, “Honey, that’s all…” I shrank down into this tiny little person that had no control. From then on, I was this little girl stuck under my mother.

One thing I did get out of this was that I saw myself. I do what my mother does with the people around me when I’m getting frustrated or when I really want them to stop. I found myself being so frustrated by the voice she used and the inflection she had when she said those words. I do that to the people I supposedly care about. WTH?!? I love my mother. I really do. I just really can’t stand how similar to her I am in some of the worst ways. I know this works for some people but it doesn’t work for me in the least. I was telling her how I was doing things differently and how I was changing growing and felt like I had grown up too fast. Her response was to tell me things that I should do and to rationalize my feelings and thoughts for me. Like i don’t do that enough all by myself. I’m working to get out of that mentality of always rationalizing my squares and getting out of my brain patterns that have such control over me.

Breath. Calm. Peace. Love. I am learning and growing and creating what I want in this life that I have. I have created it thus far and I can change and upgrade anything I want to upgrade. As the great Spock would say,

Live long and prosper.

I find myself wanting to be loved by someone who will actually take care of me and care about me for me. But then I find myself scared out of my mind because I don’t even know how that would feel or what that would look like. I find myself bitter and jaded at the age of 19. I wasn’t always like this. But I’m ONLY 19! How can I be talking like this at such a young age? I’ve done some horrible things to some wonderful people. I’m not perfect by any means shape or form but I deserve to be treated with respect, love, and care.

I find a lot of anger rising in me when talking about this. I just want to scream!

One thing I find it hard to understand is why you would tell someone that you didn’t find them attractive and decide to stop seeing each other and decide to stop talking and then after a while you thought it might be a good idea, between the both of you, to see each other once a week while talking about the issues you had grown in the year and a half that you had been together already. Thinking that that had been your problem from the get go. From there, you found out almost everything about the other person, what they had done that they might not should have done over the time they did it in, and same on your side. After 4 extra months of working on yours and his issues and thinking and saying that you wanted to be with the other person for the rest of your life and thinking and talking about moving in with each other and all this other mushy romantic crap that I wanted to hear and want and need to experience. Having this go on for 3 of the 4 months that things actually happened. Then, BAM! “You’re not attractive. You’re overweight. I want to find another woman. I want you to stay my best friend forever but I don’t want to be with you romantically at all. I don’t see you that way. I used to but I lost it.” After having “romantic fantasies” about me for 3 months.

How does that happen? GAAARRRRRR! But then I feel so much for this guy that I can’t let him go, even as a friend. I think it goes back to my lack of self-confidence. He just so happens to be my only true friend, as sad as that sounds. He was the only friend I needed really.

I think there is a part of me that sort of needs that rejection to keep me in the place that I’m in, sort of to keep me down. I think I’m going to do some inward thinking and hopefully some upgrading in my brain.

Have a wonderful night. Thanks so much.

*Grrrrrr* I thought to myself as I stuffed my face with macaroni and cheese. Why me? I’m hurt. It’s not fair.

I took my bowl into dish land still shoveling it all in my mouth as fast as I could without choking and went off to find my manager that so eloquently told me when I had to be on again so I would be able to clock back in. I clocked in at 4:45 and the computer took 5 minutes because its rigged that way. It’ll only clock you in on the 15 minute mark. I really only had a 10 minute break and back on my feet I was. Table after table, smile after smile.

Then I got this table of 3 African Americans, one of which was incredibly homosexual. I was nervous because it has been stereotyped that black people don’t tip well. I’ve seen this to be true but then these types of incidences change things a bit. They started their meal with a bottle of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio simply because I suggested it. Two of them got something off of the Small Cravings menu and one of them got something off of our normal appetizer menu. After that, one of the gentlemen got a salad with shrimp and the other two split a Garlic Cream Fettucini with chicken. I got them what they were wanting and made sure they loved every bit of it. The end of their meal comes around and I give them their $80.40 check. The older gentleman decided to take care of the entire bill. He handed the signed copy back to me when I passed by again and I looked inside.
Bill: $80.40
Tip: $49.60
Total: $130.00

I was stunned. So stunned in fact that I asked him if he was sure about the tip he gave me. He said he was and that I deserved it. I was “perfect”. I thanked him graciously and went about my other two tables. One of which placed his hand on my knee and prayed for it through Jesus. It helped. Again, I was surprised.

My last table of the night was a group of 4 ladies on their way back to Pensacola I believe. I didn’t pay that much attention to them but visited the table a good 5-6 times overall. There total bill was $56 roughly and 2 of the ladies fought over who would pay for the tab. The younger woman got it and the other woman tipped. At first I saw a couple ones on the table under a plate so that’s what I thought my tip would be. I admit I was a little flustered because of it but I said to myself, “The universe takes care of me. I do what can to stay healthy and conscious and the universe and the Creator will reward me.” I go back to the table when they leave and there is a $20 bill sitting on the table where the one dollar bills used to lay. My earnings for tonight? $140 even. My total earnings for the day? $210. My goal was met and surpassed. I have a feeling tomorrow will be the same way. I’m intending on passing my goal of $200 for the day.

Happy Valentines Day everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful one. You are all in my thoughts.

Well, I get there and lo and behold the second I walk through the doors, I’m asked, “Do you want to go home?” I reply gingerly, “Well, yes I do. Let’s clear it with a manager.” I asked the manager on duty and he replied, “Are you a double?” “No.” I say in return. “Ask the doubles and then we’ll see.” I do as I’m told and the only double told me to go home. I relay this message to my manager and ask him politely if I can have a pizza for my troubles. “Well, clock in and we’ll use it as your meal.” Oh! Thank you so much! I left my place of employment to come home to a cold apt, a good pizza, and a nice book.

Meanwhile, I realize my friend has gone off to do other work and I can’t help but notice that my laptop is still residing with him. I send him a quick text asking him what his whereabouts are and how long he will stay where he is. His reply? “A while.” I go to get his key and bring some of the pizza I received. Instead of going home like a good little girl I stay right there and do what I can to help them with what they are doing. Again, very fun for me. Surprisingly.

We all get on a roll of healing and everything and begin research on things that we didn’t understand before, like the goddess Pele and realize some surprising things about life and the way it works out. After about 2 hours talking of healing and research my friend and I decide to leave seeing how it is now 1:45 in the early a.m.

The cars have an icy glaze and we have to get some snow in a bag. I go to start my car while carrying plates that I was going to use to decorate my apt with and ope what do you know, I trip over the concrete thing that stops cars from going to far but is still not considered the curb. Anyway, I go down and when I say down I mean DOWN hard. I land predominantly on my right knee which just so happens to already be hurt pretty bad (I don’t remember how or why) and I break one of the plates I had in hand. My world stops and I cry out in pain. I actually started crying too which is a miracle in and of itself seeing as how the last time I cried due to pain was when I fractured my toe and I had trays fall on the same knee that is hurt now.
Anyway, all in all, today was a wonderful day. I’m very grateful for all the wonderful things that came my way.

Oh! By the way, my mother is coming from England on Monday to see me. I know you don’t know this but she moved away in November of ’08 because she got married to a gent over there and of course wanted to live with him. Anyway, she’s come back like once I believe and I was meant to visit her in December of ’09 but I suddenly became unemployed so that didn’t happen. I’m very excited to be seeing my mother. I believe right now she’s in Louisiana for some reason. Very very thrilled.
Well, off to bed I go. Doubles all around.